This year, I was reminded of passion by watching someone work hard for their own creations, being happy with what they did. That's something I haven't seen since I was a kid and it made me think, in these past four years, what happened? I used to have friends who'd write songs, singing on and on about the world that we were going to change, wracking our own brains for solutions to whatever ever problems came because we knew that we could solve them together, whatever they may. Now its become so normalized for me to spend all of my time around people who hate their lives. People who spend more time forgetting than learning, prescribing their own highs, rotting on the inside from lack of food and no exercise, for their bodies or their minds. I can't blame them for wanting to die, but I know now that I no longer want to be a part of that life.
This year, I became frustrated with my own mind for filling pages with words that still don't mean a thing to me, for working hard towards a degree for a future that I can't see and I don't know if I'd want to even if I could. If there was ever a plan for my life then I misunderstood and started running so fast in the wrong direction that I can't even begin to remember what brought me to these decisions, but I'm believing less and less in a plan each year. Its been so long since I've felt your voice in my ear and this city keeps making it harder for me to hear. Or maybe I need to learn how to listen because lately I seem to be missing everyone and everything.
I used to have a family. I used to know who my friends were and who was there for me, but now I'm stuck here in this city missing everyone and everything.I miss Matthew. I miss Ethan. I miss Ryan. I miss Billy. I miss Justin. I miss DJ. I miss thinking that he was friendly. I miss Chelsea. I miss Cassie. I miss Samm and I miss Katie. I miss Tara. I miss the Ali's. I miss Erica. I miss Shelby. I miss camping. I miss road trips. I miss rooftops. I miss movies. I miss night walks. I miss beaches. I miss yard sales. I miss laughing. I miss long talks. I miss music and I miss singing. I miss that feeling of being loved and, God, I miss praying. I miss not missing anyone or missing anything I miss knowing who my friends were and who was there for me. I miss my family. I used to think that I was sad, but now I miss when I was happy.
So I'm left wondering if those old friends get the same feeling as me when the trees start to grow back their leaves. If they feel the same pull for July with a hope in their eye, not because something is coming, but because it used to and, friends, I hope that moves you. I hope it motivates a way to be the change that we used to want to see in this world. Like the love that we gave away to lovers who never understood our cause in a world that still doesn't know who we are.
from Rubber Lungs
released February 7, 2014
Guest vocals performed by Breanna Miller.
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